Becoming Spirit: Insights (Part 5 of 5)

This post is the final in a five-part transpersonal theory series on "Becoming Spirit" via spiritual unfolding and Vipassana meditation practice, originally presented in 2004 at the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology. ~ ER


Conclusion: Review and Insights

To review: the first two stages of spiritual
unfolding – belief and faith – are certainly the most common stages of people on a spiritual journey. Next we have stage three, with rare peak experiences, and a tiny sliver of the population of those on a path who actually maintain plateau experiences through diligent practice. The fourth stage, that of permanent adaptation, or becoming spirit, seems reserved for those few who carry their practice into their daily lives in the most transpersonal, all-pervasive manner. As Sri Lankan Theravadan monk, the Venerable Henepola Gunaratana says, “The most important moment in meditation is the instant you leave the cushion.”

In Becoming Spirit, we must equip ourselves with the tools (such as Vipassana or other consistent, effective, transformative meditation practice) to move beyond the glitzy spiritual beliefs, the personas, the fabulous peak experiences that we can tell all our friends about at the next cocktail party or Tantra workshop. We must be willing to endure – even when the practice is dry or dull, frustrating or inconvenient. I must remember that I have started that journey of a thousand miles, and that “the purpose is nothing less than radical and permanent transformation” (Guaranata, p. 171).

I can still hear the words of my Vipassana meditation teacher ringing in my ears, words that penetrated my psyche to the core as I sat in ten-day silent retreat, and as the knee pain only known to those sitting for ten days straight burned through my being: “Patiently and persistently, just observe, just observe. Be very aware, very vigilant.” These are simple, potent, transformative words – encouraging me to keep going when my faith wavers, to remind me that I am passing through this impermanent experience, trudging the road of permanent adaptation of this equanimity, of this liberation – of becoming spirit.

Clay figure, Hyderabad, India

Works cited in this series of posts:

Dhammadaro, A. L. (1998). Inner strength: sixteen talks Translated from the Thai by Thanissaro Bhikkhu. Valley Center, CA: Metta Forest Monastary.

Smith, H. (1991). The world’s religions: completely revised and updated edition of The religions of man. San Francisco: Harper.

Tendzin, O. (1982). Buddha in the palm of your hand. Boulder, CO: Shambala Publications, Inc.

Trungpa, C. (1973). Cutting through spiritual materialism. Berkeley, CA: Shambala.

Wilber, K. (1997). A spirituality that transforms. What is Enlightenment magazine, 12.

Wilber, K. (1999). One taste: the personal journals of Ken Wilber. Boston, MA. Shambala.

This paper dedicated with metta to S.N. Goenka, Vipassana insight meditation teacher.

Becoming Spirit: Spiritual Unfolding (Part 4 of 5)

This post is fourth in a five-part transpersonal theory series on spiritual unfolding and Vipassana meditation practice, originally presented in 2004 at the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology. Read Part One: Introduction and Part Two: Vipassana and Part Three: Spiritual Materialism and Transformation first, if you like. Enjoy! ~ ER

~ PART FOUR ~

Wilber’s Four Stages of Spiritual Unfolding

Discussion of the trappings of the spiritual ego lead us to now examine Vipassana meditation as it relates to Wilber’s four stages of spiritual unfolding – belief, faith, direct experience, and, finally, permanent adaptation. The first – and most common – stage, belief, is a stronghold of the ego. Beliefs originate at the mental level, and are “usually accompanied by strong emotional sentiments or feelings; but they are not necessarily direct experiences of supramental spiritual realities” (Wilber, 1999, p. 313).”

It is easy to believe in a spiritual precept or concept, but it doesn’t even come close to actually transforming. Beliefs “are merely forms of translation: they can be embraced without changing one’s present level of consciousness in the least” (Wilber, 1999, p. 313).” And then, something else begins stirring inside of us… Faith.

Faith, stage two of spiritual unfolding, is what blossoms when belief loses its power to compel. Beliefs eventually lose their forcefulness. As Wilber explains, “Mere belief may have provided you with a type of translative meaning, but not with an actual transformation, and this slowly, painfully, becomes obvious” (Wilber, 1999, p. 313-14). Because of the block of the ego, our intuition cannot be fully realized when our beliefs grip consciousness, for all beliefs are ultimately divisive and dualistic.

To me, faith is what develops when, through exposure to a practice or by encountering another transformative spiritual window of opportunity – which I call a moment of “grace”– we realize that our belief systems are outdated and we reach for something more. This “something more” pulls us toward itself like a magnet. In Buddhist terms, we decide to turn to a way out because “we see the reality of impermanence, egolessness, and suffering, we get fed up and disgusted with repeating the same pain over and over again. This is a very positive step… Therefore, we feel we must find a way out of our confusion” (Tendzin, 1982, p. 12). In essence this is where some sort of commitment to path comes into play. Taking refuge in the Triple Gem of Buddha, Dharma and Sangha can be considered a form of faith: “We acknowledge that the dharma is our basic guideline, our only reference point in working with everything we encounter in our life: our thought processes, emotions, bodily sensations, relationships, and so on” (Tendzin, 1982, p. 24).

Even though the stage of faith is somewhat of a spiritual “halfway house” on the road to total spiritual transformation and becoming spirit, it is a critical developmental stage. In my own experience, I have relied on faith when I could not see a clear path in front of me. I have had to “act as if.” The faith stage is a bridge to true transformation, and must not be overlooked. Faith provides a natural progression, as innate as DNA in pulling a spiritual practitioner toward realization. Faith possesses a “dogged determination to find its spiritual abode," (Wilber, 1999, p. 314), and opens the door to the third stage of direct experience.

The third stage of spiritual unfolding, “direct experience of spirit,” can be divided into two territories: peak experiences and plateau experiences. Certainly, it is the allure of peak experiences that have drawn many sincere spiritual seekers, perhaps even myself, to become dedicated spiritual practitioners. Wilber cleverly points out the pun: “peak experiences,” which are usually brief, are frequently life-changing “peek experiences,” offering a glimpse “into the transpersonal, supramental levels of one’s own higher potentials” (Wilber, 1999, p. 314).” He asserts that, “Occasionally… individuals will have a strong peak experience of a genuinely transpersonal realm, and it completely shatters them, often for the better, sometimes for the worse. But you can tell they aren’t merely repeating a belief they read in a book, or giving merely translative chitchat: they have truly seen a higher realm, and they are never quite the same” (Wilber, 1999, p. 315).

In my own meditation practice, I have had such “peek experiences” on an incredibly rare basis when “I” have left my body, looking down at myself, connected by an invisible thread to some grounded core. Such moments have been intense and awe-inspiring, encouraging me to continue on the slow, grueling practice days and months, which are the norm. It’s as if Spirit has given me a preview of some cosmic, far out bliss – just a nibble – and keeps the carrot dangling in front of me. Of course, as any basic Buddhist practitioner must learn, I have to immediately let go of expectations of reaching the impermanent, transpersonal state I have just been privy to, remembering the principle of “right effort,” which keeps me on the path, equanimous and unattached.

While peak experiences are enticing and often awe-inspiring, the REAL work in the third stage of spiritual unfolding begins with “plateau experiences.” Plateau experiences are more constant and enduring than peak experiences, “verging on becoming a permanent adaptation” (Wilber, 1999, p. 315). The bottom line is that to sustain a peak, or “peek” experience into a more enduring trait, prolonged practice is required. It’s as if we come to understand that “faith without works is dead” (James 2:14-26). In other words, we realize that in order to make any further progress, we have got to get serious about this business of practice. To me, this is clearly what separates the women from the girls and the men from the boys when it comes to walking – and living – on a genuine spiritual path.

I would be dishonest if I portended to be even one millimeter along this path, as spotty as my own meditation has been over the past three years. Perhaps, however, the clincher is: I have begun, and, as Lao Tzu taught, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Wilber also holds that the most important thing is to simply begin practice, to the best of our abilities.

Moving into the fourth stage of spiritual unfolding, we enter the realm of becoming spirit, or permanent adaptation. Adaptation is a “constant, permanent access to a given level of consciousness” (Wilber, 1999, p. 317). How do we get to these higher, transpersonal realms on a permanent basis? The answer, just like all extraordinary feats, is practice. It’s like the story of the man who pulled his taxicab over in New York City to stop a man for directions to Carnegie Hall. He noticed the man was carrying a violin case, so thought for sure he would know the answer. “Excuse me, sir, how do you get to Carnegie Hall?” The musician looked up at him from his brisk walk and replied, “Practice, practice, practice!”

Whether we’re discussing performing at the grandest symphony or reaching permanent adaptation of spiritual states, the answer is practice. Once we’ve accepted and embraced this fact, our practice can provide us with the skills that truly carry over into the rest of our lives. Our whole “experiential existence,” or state of being, becomes the game in which those basic skills are to be applied (Gunaratana, 1982).

In my efforts to notice how Vipassana practice seeps its way into my daily life, I have caught myself having a “permanent adaptation” state from time to time. For example, I have been acutely aware of meditating while in a lucid dreaming state – not entirely sure whether I was awake and meditating, or if I was dreaming that I was meditating. (Regardless, it was a real validation that my practice was deepening tremendously.) In fact, Wilber asserts that we have reached the stage of adaptation when we have such constant consciousness through all three states of waking, dreaming, and sleeping. You know you have become spirit “when you rest as pure, empty, formless Consciousness and ‘watch’ all three states arise, abide and pass, while you remain Unmoved, Unchanged, Unborn, and released into the pure Emptiness that is all Form, the One Taste that is the radiant All” (Wilber, 1999, p. 319).

Perhaps a simpler, more mundane example of “becoming spirit” as a permanent adaptation is when I am driving down the road, stuck in a horrific traffic jam, and suddenly become aware that I’m observing my breath and feeling the sensation it leaves as it moves in and out of my nostrils. I’ve been meditating unconsciously – or ultraconsciously as it were – being as non-reactive to the potentially stressful state of affairs as possible, and I wasn’t even on the meditation cushion. It was a rare moment of “spiritual soaring,” or becoming spirit. Huston Smith points out that right mindfulness “summons the seeker to steady awareness of every action that is taken.” A basic tenet of Vipassana, or insight meditation, that carries over into a more permanent adaptation, as I’ve described it here, is thus: “We should witness all things non-reactively,” and “keep the mind in control of the senses and impulses, rather than being driven by them” (Smith, 1991, p. 110).

On a subtler level, I have noticed how this fourth stage of spiritual unfolding, that of permanent adaptation or “becoming spirit,” penetrates my life and my relationships. As Tendzin (1982) reminds us, we cannot exclude the non-spiritual from our life, and nonduality includes the “postmeditation” day-to-day living. For me, this primarily means “sitting” with decisions, with emotions, with reactions to people, places, and things – observing and being aware, until some form of (usually) spontaneous insight arises through the practice of Vipassana. “Becoming spirit” and pure Consciousness also corresponds to the state of pure freedom, of liberation, that is a true aim of Buddhist practice. Huston Smith (1991, p. 119), in his usual ingenious manner, wraps it up simply: “If increased freedom brings increased being, total freedom should be being itself.”

(CONTINUED.)

Works cited in this series of posts:

Dhammadaro, A. L. (1998). Inner strength: sixteen talks Translated from the Thai by Thanissaro Bhikkhu. Valley Center, CA: Metta Forest Monastary.

Smith, H. (1991). The world’s religions: completely revised and updated edition of The religions of man. San Francisco: Harper.

Tendzin, O. (1982). Buddha in the palm of your hand. Boulder, CO: Shambala Publications, Inc.

Trungpa, C. (1973). Cutting through spiritual materialism. Berkeley, CA: Shambala.

Wilber, K. (1997). A spirituality that transforms. What is Enlightenment magazine, 12.

Wilber, K. (1999). One taste: the personal journals of Ken Wilber. Boston, MA. Shambala.

Becoming Spirit: Spiritual Materialism and Transformation (Part 3 of 5)

This post is third in a five-part transpersonal theory series on spiritual unfolding and Vipassana meditation practice, originally presented in 2004 at the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology. Read Part One: Introduction and Part Two: Vipassana first, if you like. Enjoy! ~ ER

~ PART THREE ~

Spiritual Materialism, Transformation, and Vipassana

As Osel Tendzin, teacher of the Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche lineage, puts it so bluntly, “We look for a path, a teaching that is not based on accumulating further neurosis and confusion” (Tendzin, 1982, p. 32). Vipassana, or 'insight meditation,' fits the bill.

Spiritual Materialism

It bears mentioning that Vajrayana master Trungpa himself states, in discussing the trap of spiritual materialism, that the “simplicity of meditation means just experiencing the ape instinct of ego. If anything more than this is laid onto our psychology, then it becomes a very heavy, thick mask, a suit of armor” (Trungpa, 1973). In contrast, repeated experimentation with the spiritual marketplace – again and again seeking “yet another technique” – would represent the empty trappings of ego, a seed of spiritual materialism with all its pitfalls. As Trungpa warns, “If we do not step out of spiritual materialism, if we in fact practice it, then we may eventually find ourselves possessed of a huge collection of spiritual paths.” He goes further to explain that, having accumulated a huge hoard of knowledge, there is still something to give up: “Our vast collections of knowledge and experience are just part of the ego’s display, part of the grandiose quality of ego. We display them to the world, and, in so doing, reassure ourselves that we exist, safe, and secure, as ‘spiritual’ people” (Trungpa, 1973).

Translation v. Transformation

Trungpa’s cautionary teachings on spiritual materialism coincide with Ken Wilber’s important delineation between translation and transformation. Translation can be defined as the way of spiritual practices and/or religions as a way to create meaning. In contrast, transformation, which a very, very small minority actually undertakes, transcends the self and facilitates true liberation. Here is the quote that made me a Wilber-lover: “For authentic transformation is not a matter of belief but of the death of the believer; not a matter of translating the world; not a matter of finding solace but of finding infinity on the other side of death. The self is not made content; the self is made toast” (Wilber, 1997, emphasis added).

In his delineation of translation and transformation, Wilber explains, “If translation is too quickly, or too abruptly, or too ineptly taken away from an individual (or a culture), the result…is not breakthrough but breakdown, not release but collapse.” He gives the example that we must introduce “lesser” practices that lead up to the radical and ultimate “no practice.” As Wilber reminds us – in the words of Chogyam Trungpa – “There is only Ati,” (i.e. Spirit, God, nondual Consciousness) but “there is a need to introduce and translate lesser practices in order to prepare people for the obviousness of what is” (Wilber, 1997).

To me, this conveys the importance of embracing the practices of the Buddhist Noble Eightfold Path (right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration) as one way to bridge the gap to transformation. Ultimately, these practices – including insight meditation as “right concentration” – lead to the “’no practice’ of always-ready Ati,” as Wilber puts it. Achaan Lee Dhammadharo, a Buddhist monk from the Thai Forest lineage, explains it as such: “Right views and wrong views are an affair of the world. Nibbana [Nirvana] doesn't have any right views or wrong views. For this reason, whatever is a wrong view, we should abandon. Whatever is a right view, we should develop -- until the day it can fall from our grasp. That's when we can be at our ease” (Dhammadharo, 1998). Clearly, this exemplifies translation falling away, ultimately into transformation and “no practice.”

(CONTINUED here.)

Works cited in this series of posts:

Dhammadaro, A. L. (1998). Inner strength: sixteen talks Translated from the Thai by Thanissaro Bhikkhu. Valley Center, CA: Metta Forest Monastary.

Smith, H. (1991). The world’s religions: completely revised and updated edition of The religions of man. San Francisco: Harper.

Tendzin, O. (1982). Buddha in the palm of your hand. Boulder, CO: Shambala Publications, Inc.

Trungpa, C. (1973). Cutting through spiritual materialism. Berkeley, CA: Shambala.

Wilber, K. (1997). A spirituality that transforms. What is Enlightenment magazine, 12.

Wilber, K. (1999). One taste: the personal journals of Ken Wilber. Boston, MA. Shambala.

Becoming Spirit: Vipassana (Part 2 of 5)

Friends: This is a 5-part transpersonal theory series on spiritual unfolding and personal practice. I presented this paper at the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology in 2004. Before continuing, you may wish to read Part One (Introduction) here first. ~ ER

~ BECOMING SPIRIT: PART TWO ~

Vipassana Meditation and Personal Practice

Before examining the question, “What is Vipassana?” it is important to note what attracted me to Buddhism in the first place. Perhaps most significant, in the words of the Buddha himself, is the message“be a lamp unto oneself” – not taking any one person’s word for it at face value, and investigate thoroughly. Put simply, to practice Buddhism is to practice being awake.

As Huston Smith points out so eloquently, the Buddha taught that “on every question, personal experience was the final test of truth. ‘Do not go by reasoning; nor by inferring; nor by argument.’ A true disciple must ‘know for himself.’” (Smith, 1991, p. 98) For myself, after two decades of New Age-type experiences ranging from zowie-wowie crystal healers to blue-green algae zealots, Wiccan Beltane ceremonies, and “the little people living inside Mount Shasta,” it was time to “get real,” and awaken to my own truth.

Vipassana – called Lhakthong in Tibetan and Vipashyana in Sanskrit (Tendzin, 1982) – is, put in its simplest terms, the insight meditation practice which is the foundation of Theravada Buddhism. Theravada is known as “the Way of the Ancients” or “the Way of the Elders.” Theravadan Buddhism is differentiated from Mahayana or Vajrayana (Tibetan) Buddhism in that the concentration is on wisdom rather than compassion (Smith, 1991). Compassion, metta, or loving-kindness is seen as a result of Vipassana mindfulness meditation practice, rather than the other way around.

In my own practice, I have stayed with Theravada and Vipassana meditation because of its minimalist approach. At this point in my journey, “less is more.” At the core of Vipassana is mindfulness – “paying attention to the details of our experience.” (Tendzin, p. 32). We become mindful of the breath without trying to change it, just as we become mindful of the gaps between exhaling and inhaling. In my own meditation tradition, taught by S.N. Goenka of the U Ba Khin Burmese lineage, we expand this observation to include vigilant awareness of bodily sensations. The practice is simple, portable, and effective. Maintaining equanimity and balance of the mind, we become increasingly non-reactive to our tendencies of avoiding pain and pursuing pleasure.

(CONTINUED here.)

Works cited in this series of posts:

Dhammadaro, A. L. (1998). Inner strength: sixteen talks Translated from the Thai by Thanissaro Bhikkhu. Valley Center, CA: Metta Forest Monastary.

Smith, H. (1991). The world’s religions: completely revised and updated edition of The religions of man. San Francisco: Harper.

Tendzin, O. (1982). Buddha in the palm of your hand. Boulder, CO: Shambala Publications, Inc.

Trungpa, C. (1973). Cutting through spiritual materialism. Berkeley, CA: Shambala.

Wilber, K. (1997). A spirituality that transforms. What is Enlightenment magazine, 12.

Wilber, K. (1999). One taste: the personal journals of Ken Wilber. Boston, MA. Shambala.

Becoming Spirit: Introduction (Part 1 of 5)

Friends,
Seven years ago, I presented this paper, "Becoming Spirit: Ken Wilber's Four Stages of Spiritual Unfolding and a Personal Exploration of Vipassana Meditation," at the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology. While my perspectives have evolved into a more non-dual approach (four years cooking in India will do that to a body-mind), I recently unearthed this paper and found it to hold several solid principles and guideposts to share. Each of us are at various points in the soul's non-linear unfolding. I've broken the hefty, theoretical paper down into five parts, which I'll be posting daily this week. May it inspire and nourish your spirit. As always, your comments are welcome.
Love,
Erin
P.S. If you like Travel and Soul posts, it's a great time to show it! Click here to make a much-appreciated donation to Erin's website. Thank you!

BECOMING SPIRIT:

Ken Wilber’s Four Stages of Spiritual Unfolding

and a Personal Exploration of Vipassana Meditation

Erin Reese
December 2004
Institute of Transpersonal Psychology

“The most important moment in meditation
is the instant you leave the cushion.”

- Venerable Henepola Gunaratana

~ PART ONE ~
Introduction: Background and Scope

Thud.

I fall back onto the zafu with a mixture of relief and resignation. Okay, okay, I think to myself. I get it – again. No more spiritual “experiences” for the sake of experience. It’s back to the meditation cushion for me. Time to sit. Empty myself. Disidentify. Ah… the sweetest sound I ever heard: silence.

I’d just attempted one more spiritual weekend warrior workshop – this time on Native American Shamanic journeying – with the best of intentions. I’d hoped to be “getting back to my indigenous roots,” broaden my horizons, and – admittedly – surf the waves of altered states through drumming and journeying. Even without a promise of a cosmic peak experience or meeting an animal totem in the underworld, I have to admit that adding yet another feather in my spiritual cap – or tribal headdress, as it were – is not the answer to my personal transformation. I may not get to add another chant or drumbeat to my repertoire, but I happily forego such tools in favor of the sweetest sound I ever heard – silence. What works to truly transform my life – and has worked for the past three years – is the non-flashy, non-sexy, non-distracting practice of Vipassana meditation.

Over the past three years of my – admittedly spotty – experience with meditation, I have practiced getting clear, getting empty and letting go of fantasies of the mind. And yet, here I was being prompted to travel to the lower realms, meet an animal guide and let it speak to me. As the drumming progressed, all I wanted to do was be quiet and observe. I didn’t want to use my will nor my limiting thought processes to manufacture a journey. I had practiced enough mindful awareness to understand that if I have an altered state during meditation, that’s one thing; but to expect it, force it, or manufacture it wasn’t working for me. Staying present – right here, right now – was what truly called out to my soul.

The bottom line is that spiritual experiences in and of themselves have, quite frankly, become empty, even boring, to me. Although this became apparent many years ago, I had to, like the Buddha taught, continue to do more research and affirm the truth for myself. Hardly a quick fix, it’s become increasingly clear that spiritual practice is where the rubber meets the road on the journey to total awareness, or “enlightenment” if you will. Our efforts have got to carry over from the dharma hall into one’s day-to-day “householder” activities. In short, the work has to penetrate and transform our lives.

Ken Wilber is one transpersonal, or integral, theorist who advocates the same, holding that spiritual practice is a main force separating those on a path of spiritual translation to one of spiritual transformation (Wilber, 1997). In addition, a sincere, committed spiritual practitioner must strive to move beyond a flashy collection of experiences that look good and sound even better when we’re talking about them with a captive audience – spiritual materialism, in the words of the renowned “crazy wisdom” Vajrayana Buddhist master Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche.

In this paper, I explore how deliberate spiritual practice evolves beyond “just another experience,” so that we embody, and truly become, spirit. I begin by offering a brief overview of Vipassana meditation. Next, I briefly examine Trungpa’s principal of spiritual materialism as it relates to Wilber’s delineation of translation and transformation. Finally, I examine Wilber’s “four stages of spiritual unfolding” as presented in his book One Taste (1997) – belief, faith, experience, and permanent adaptation – with an emphasis on the latter two stages as they relate to Vipassana meditation and my own individual practice.

(CONTINUED here.)

Thailand Sunset

Works cited in this series of posts:

Dhammadaro, A. L. (1998). Inner strength: sixteen talks Translated from the Thai by Thanissaro Bhikkhu. Valley Center, CA: Metta Forest Monastary.

Smith, H. (1991). The world’s religions: completely revised and updated edition of The religions of man. San Francisco: Harper.

Tendzin, O. (1982). Buddha in the palm of your hand. Boulder, CO: Shambala Publications, Inc.

Trungpa, C. (1973). Cutting through spiritual materialism. Berkeley, CA: Shambala.

Wilber, K. (1997). A spirituality that transforms. What is Enlightenment magazine, 12.

Wilber, K. (1999). One taste: the personal journals of Ken Wilber. Boston, MA. Shambala.

On Grief, Love, and Loss (Part Four - The Power of Love)

The Power of Love will take you to the Moon and back. The Power of Love will show you a strength you never knew existed. And the Power of Love is what makes miracles manifest.

This is from November 2009 and is the final in a 4-part series on grief, written in the weeks after my spiritual teacher, Ramesh Balsekar, died. At the time, I was still living in the south of India.

HOW DOES IT FEEL?

In the last weeks, I’ve been in a lot of pain – a void – a loss – a transformation. There are a lot of feelings around being alone in this grief. Sometimes anger arises – at no one in particular; it’s just there. I’ve had unexplainable moments of bliss, ecstasy, as well. Whether or not they’re related or not, I don’t know. I just feel really open and raw.

I had to undertake a strict recovery program, which I’m still on. (Note: This means that I had to put myself on a more regular eating and sleeping schedule. Going through intense grief is a transformation that requires a huge amount of energy and is totally disorientating, and eventually calls for an attempt at finding a new rhythm so the body systems don't get totally whacked out, which happened to me anyway.)

I don’t feel ready to socialize much – it’s hard to socialize when you’re unsure if you’re going to cry or blurt anger or get ecstatically high all in the same conversation. Better to be alone… but it does feel like I need my friends to know what I’m dealing with.

On top of the heart-break of death, I also had three severe slips/falls in the month of his death, and I really have had to take extra good care of myself. (It appears that physical accidents occur more regularly to those who are grieving. This could be attributed to not being grounded, the soul wanting to follow the person who has died or left. I wrote a bit on this in Part One - The Guru Dies. It can also be attributed to the body taking on some of the emotional pain through 'accidents.')

Some folks have said, why don’t you talk to your other sangha members (fellow students of my teacher) to share your grief? Well, just because someone was/is a disciple does not mean they are in the same place as me. Maybe they aren’t as sensitive. Maybe they are distracting themselves. One fellow student told me to "just stay really busy," which is good advice, but the Truth is, I need to express myself. Whether anyone listens, or cares, or feels some of the same feelings, doesn’t matter – I just need to give myself the space to grieve and MAYBE I’ll get some comfort or reprieve by releasing it.

While I do spontaneously remember satsangs and moments of laughter, realization, and intensity of my teacher Ramesh in the flesh, the grief is different than merely losing the person...

The grief is also about the passing of a phase of my life – a chapter – in which I was a disciple – a devoted one filled with bhakti – in which I’d flown faster than the speed of light across the world, guided by the power of love and devotion, to express my gratitude and respect to this Master.

A time period where I endured some scary, scary shit in Mumbai to be near him (events surrounding the Bombay terrorist attacks of November 2008). And where I spent one of the hardest travel months of my life in June 2009, with no air-conditioning and the monsoon delayed three weeks. I felt I would explode from shakti and tapas, humidity and tension, but I knew that THIS WAS IT. These were the final days, the final talks with Ramesh, and I was determined to stay…

These memories, and many more, are in me. They are being alchemized, transmuted. They are in my blood, my bones, and more than “spirituality,” “enlightenment,” “realization,” or “advaita” (non-duality), to me, Ramesh, in the end, evoked in me THE POWER OF LOVE.

The Power of Love will take you to the Moon and back. The Power of Love will show you a strength you never knew existed. And the Power of Love is what makes miracles manifest.

The amazing thing about the Power of Love is that it cannot be manufactured. You can’t put it on your credit card. You can’t ‘do’ anything, for Love does it, to and through you.

Thank God for the perfect Guru, the perfect mirror. Thank you for this experience, for this fulfillment of seeking. I trust You, God, that the tears will end in Your time, not ‘mine.’

As the tears barrel down my cheeks…

I LOVE.

HARI OM TAT SAT