Tim(e) Will Tell

Up at the hot springs retreat center a few weeks ago, where the Baba had validated my Indian name ("Sapna Lila Devi"), the synchronicities and serendipities kept on rolling in!

Two days after the Full Moon Shiva puja, I was writing my Morning Pages by the side of the pool. Suddenly, out of nowhere, my former boyfriend, Tim, who plays a starring role in the in-progress sequel to Bindi Girl, appears from thin air and grabs me in a bear hug.

I was stunned, and thrilled! I'd heard hide nor hair from my former lover over the past six years as I’d kept a vow of no contact, "staying out of the picture" since we went our separate ways in India. Problem was, I had to obtain his permission to use his name in the book! What to do? I’d need to miraculously ‘run into’ Tim in order to make contact. I had no idea how that would happen, especially since we lived in different parts of the country.

After we hugged hello, Tim explained he had just driven down from Oregon to camp at the springs, taking a little retreat for himself. He had felt pulled to visit at this time, for what reason he knew not, but being a completely connected mystic himself, he knew not to question a tug from the Divine. I marveled at how clear the energy was between us, how karma-free. It was such a wonderful feeling, knowing that staying out of each others' ways over the last six years was exactly what was needed for healing.

I cut straight to the chase, not knowing if Tim might evaporate as quickly as he appeared: "Do I have your permission to use your name in my book?" I asked him.

“Sure, no problem. So long as you don’t use my last name, right?” said Tim.

“Of course,” I replied. “I might simply say you’re from Indiana, though. To describe you.”

Ten years my junior, Tim is a good-looking all-American boy - a blond-haired, cornflower blue-eyed Indiana son. (Yup, India-na.) At first glance his Midwestern good looks might distract you from noticing that he's also one of the most deeply spiritual and awake individuals you'd ever meet.

If it wasn't for Tim showing up in the movie of my life, likely I'd still be painfully wallowing in self-deprecation, suffering in the separation of "me" from the Source. This was the man that helped me realize that awakening from the dream was possible here and now. This was the man who led me to my spiritual master in India. How can you ever thank such a person enough?

Tim and I spent the better part of that Thursday - day of Jupiter and day of the guru - in the retreat center’s garden, under the shady plum trees. We psychically checked under every rock and stone of history between us to see if even one tiny bit of karma still existed, if anything still needed to be ousted. Together we could find nothing, instead laughing at the comedy and perfection of existence. We reveled in the clarity of completion and the knowledge that we had done good work together and taught each other so much. It was a living, breathing example of what is possible when we set ourselves and the other free, over and over and over again. This the miracle of detachment with love.

 

I left Tim without exchanging emails or phone numbers - nothing. Only expressing sheer gratitude for our “chance” meeting, along with an affirmation of his character. There was a reason I was with this man, and there was a reason I met him both then and now. As I was saying, for the past several months, I’d wondered how to get in contact with Tim in order to ask his permission to use his name in my book. I didn’t want to change his name to Fred or Joe or Mike. He was Tim! But I couldn’t email him and like me, he wasn’t on Facebook. I would be able to contact his family, but then I would be breaking my vow. The only thing I had left to do was pray about it, and wait.

As my teacher Ramesh used to say:

Never a need to worry.

Never a need to hurry.

We can have perfect faith in what is, what was and what will be. I would run into Tim when the time was right, and so it happened, six years after we went our separate ways, ten thousand miles away in India.

To Be Awake: Chopping Wood, Carrying Water (Part 2 of 3)

This is the second piece in a three-part series about my own personal experience with awakening.

Some of this experience is common with others, whether they consider it to be an awakening or not.

“Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.

After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.”

~ Zen Proverb 

 

I continue to experience Shaktipat as the Kundalini works Her way through and into my heart. These are like voltage ‘shocks’ of grace that I’ve been experiencing since meeting my teacher. I have no way of knowing when they will come or go. They usually, but not always, accompany an evolutionary leap in consciousness, or a powerful spiritual experience. I’ve learned not to attach myself to the ‘heart shocks’ but I must admit, I do enjoy them when they’re afoot; they remind me of my beloved guru.

Post-awakening, I still experience the same biological urges and even desires arise, curiosities are sometimes carried through (for better or for worse!). Thoughts arise, but there truly is no thinker. Thinking – horizontal thinking (as my teacher Ramesh Balsekar used to call identified thinking) that attaches itself to an illusory past or future does not occur. There is only vertical ‘now’ thinking. Planning of the future, or ‘dipping in’ to the files/stories/information of the past occur as a function of the working mind. The working mind/vertical thinking is engaged, and not separate.

Siddhis (special powers like telepathy, seeing the future, etc.) come and go, but they are not clung to, pursued, nor are there fears of gaining or losing a power. Animal “fears” (involving food, shelter, clothing, safety) arise, but anxiety practically does not exist. I may experience PTSD from traumas of the past, which can trigger the nervous system into an anxious, overly stimulated and shocked (fight, flight, freeze) state.

Other emotions continue and even (gasp!) rage, anger, jealousy and fear arise. The shadow is seen for what it is. Preferences are completely accepted, and can change. Usually (but not always) a quieter life ensues. There is little to no ‘worry’ or concern for ‘the future,’ which doesn’t exist until it’s in the now. There is complete acceptance of what comes as what comes; there is no longer frustration of the world being one way or another. Ambition changes: the old way of achieving drops away. There is no longer a need to prove oneself (since no separate self-locus exists). If goals or accomplishments or duties arise, they are dealt with as any normal person or according to the development/conditioning of the person at that point in time and space.

 

To Be Awake: Ocean of Being (Part 1 of 3)

This is the first in a three-part series about my own personal experience with awakening.

Some of this experience is common with others, whether they consider it to be an awakening or not.

"To be fully alive, fully human,

and completely awake is

to be continually thrown out of the nest."

~ Pema Chödrön 

To be awake is to know with 100% certainty that there is only now. To have perfect faith in What Is, past, present and future. To barely identify with the tiny “me,” except as the slightness of ego that keeps the body-mind operational. To understand there is no central locus of the Self. To understand the perfection in all creation and happenings – that it’s perfect, even when it’s not. And there is an understanding that everything is a happening according to God’s will (Cosmic Law).

Daily life as an awake person functions pretty much the same as many people with highly-evolved consciousness, except that the concept of a small self, a ‘me,’ seems to have dissolved. There are more periods of simply sitting, staring off into space waiting without expectation for the next moment to arise.

There is an absence of a 'me' identifying with the pain or pleasure. If/when contraction arises, it is clearly seen as a witnessing of latent suffering also known as samskaras or vasanas (latent karmic or habitual tendencies) and often transformation into pure consciousness through awareness. It is like Ramana Maharshi and many other sages have described: once there is no longer identification with the ego, it is like a ceiling fan that continues to spin round for a while once the electric power has been turned off. The unwinding continues for as long as it continues. This is karma – apparent cause and effect – but there is no individual karma; everything is related to everything else for all time, all at once. Karma is not personal; it is not separate, except as an appearance.

The evolution of consciousness continues. Apparent seeking, or curiosity may continue if only for experience or deepening. Life is “Time Pass” as the Indians call it – simply the passing of time. Spiritual, psychological, social, emotional, mental and physical development and changes and growth usually continue. Pleasure and pain are felt more intensely, immediately, without filtering of “this should happen” or “this should not happen.” There is a clear understanding, seeing, knowing, that the ego is a drop of water in the Ocean of Being.