The Dark Night of the Soul

This article is lovingly dedicated to those readers who are going through difficult times in the life.

Namaste, Erin

Varanasi on the Ganges

Diwali, October 2009

We’ve heard the proverbial term, ‘dark night of the soul,’ to refer to a particularly painful, seemingly hopeless point in the life – a period where nothing makes sense anymore. When we're in such a state, no matter where we turn, it feels like there is only emptiness. But this isn’t the sort of spacious emptiness or soul “spaciousness” we yearn for and aim for in meditative living. No, it is a deficient emptiness. Even to muster hope feels utterly useless and meaningless.

I’ve experienced my fair share of Dark Nights of the Soul in my life, yet it wasn’t until recently that I learned it is a term first used by 16th-century Christian mystic, Saint John of the Cross. The Dark Night of the Soul has at times been referred to as the Spiritual Emergency or spiritual crisis.

I’m here to remind you of something that you may remember the next time you’re way down in those gloomy depths: Believe it or not, The Dark Night of the Soul is a good thing.

Last spring, while in a spiritual transformation process, I went down to the bottom of my soul in a bucket – numb, uncaring, depressed… a pitch-black venture down into the earth’s molten core of my being - ‘taint pretty in there! It’s raw, it’s real, and it’s necessary.

A dark night of the soul primarily occurs when the old self-image is ready to go. This is the outdated identification of who you think you are – the ego structure. When the self-image becomes calcified in any way, a dark night of the soul comes rumbling in like storm clouds. Of course, there are myriad ways we try to push it away, like distractions and self-medication. But eventually, even those stop working, and we can’t resist. It is not just depression, though it can feel like it, and it is a form of ‘low pressure’ internal meteorology situation.

There is apathy, and a near-suicidal feeling, like “I’m just plain DONE.” It feels like an end of life – and, in effect, it is. There is a sense of “I don’t know what could come next and frankly, I can’t muster any feeling to care.”

A Dark Night of the Soul can last months, years, or even lifetimes. Perhaps the time correlates to the degree of ego identification – how hardened that self-image is. Who you thought you were is dying. It is not your physical body passing away.

One of the most curious appearances of the dark night is when it crops up in otherwise truly positive, ‘spiritual,’ healthy folks. How could this occur? Two reasons: first, the positive, healthy, loving, spiritual emanation has itself become a self-identification (even “nice” personas are eventually painful); second, the soul knows you are ready to enter a dark night experience; the soul is strong, aware, and courageous enough to go through this period of consciousness.

For spiritually inclined people, one of the hardest parts of a dark night is that it seems even God (Consciousness, Spirit, Higher Power, Existence, the Universe) has abandoned us.


EXOSKELETON: THE SELF-IMAGE TRAP

The self-image is an invisible shell that comprises who you think you are…

I had a vivid, wild dream last spring around the time of my dark night of the soul. I dreamt I had an exoskeleton – an external shell that was like a human cage. It was made of metal. It appeared that it would protect the soft underbelly and vulnerable human within, but in reality it was uncomfortable, cramping, cutting, and even biting me with its razor-sharp edges like teeth. It was a violent shell, and I couldn’t move about without harming myself in the process.

When I woke, I knew immediately that it was symbolic of the self-image – the body-life mask we wear to protect ourselves, but is ultimately harmful.

The key with the dark night is to not resist; JUST SAY NO to the glomming self-image that says you need to be pretty and pleasant. Be depressed. Hate everything. Be ugly. Do you need medication? Maybe. Maybe not. You and your health care advisor will decide. Most often, I’d venture to say the answer is NO. You can ‘give in’ to the experience. It’s a death process – a part of you IS dying.

THE DARK NIGHT AND SPIRITUAL AWAKENING

Even in ‘awakened’ people, the dark night process occurs. Eli Jaxon-Bear, a non-dual spiritual teacher whom I respect along with his wife Gangaji, faced a dark night that he calls a "resurrection through hell" upon coming out about an affair (Shift Network webcast, spring 2011). This occurred some twenty years after his primary spiritual awakening. Eli admits that even in being awake, there is still a state – the blissful state – that is also a TEMPORARY place. After coming out honestly about his affair with another woman, the whole façade, the self-image of what it meant to be a ‘Spiritual Teacher’ came crashing down: slander, rejection – all of it flew in through the window. Yes, it was hell. And yes, it passed to reveal a new cycle of spiritual evolution. As many spiritual masters have explained, waking up is just the beginning.

THE GIFTS OF DEPRESSION

Author and Christian mystic Thomas Moore has a great chapter called “The Gifts of Depression” in his book Care of the Soul, in which he states, “…we may have to develop a taste for the depressed mood, a positive respect for its place in the soul’s cycles.”

In 2007, I wrote Mr. Moore directly to thank him for these insights. He in turn replied how perfect it was to hear from me at that exact time because, you guessed it: he was going through dark tunnels himself. One does not simply get a 'degree' of graduating; the transformation goes deeper throughout a spiritual life.

EVOLUTION OF THE SOUL IS NOT LINEAR

The cycle of expansion of consciousness is hardly linear; it is more of a spiral. When we grow higher and brighter, the soul has capacity to plunge into deeper and darker territory. When we go further into dark places, it appears (though there is no guarantee) that a growth spurt of fresh awareness and expansion follows. Expand, contract. Contract, expand. When we plummet to the depths, the place where ‘you’ barely exist at all, it is likely you will emerge with a gift. It is like the Hero’s Journey described by Joseph Campbell in the Power of Myth. There’s a grail in that there murky, monstrous place of meaninglessness.

The last time I went through a dark night, the usual raging flame of awareness became a tiny dot, a wee spark of “I.” It was as if “I” might completely disappear into the inky black void, and yes, it feels like borderline madness.

Luckily I’ve experienced surfing of consciousness, and I know that it is OK to dissolve into the Nothingness that is Everything, to release the illusory separation and settle into EXISTENCE.

Remember:
(1) you’re not alone
(2) you’re not crazy
(3) you are okay
(4) allow it to take as long as it takes

Let me reiterate an important point: resistance is futile. Attempting to do anything to FIX a real dark night of the soul may only make it worse or last longer. See, what you are most likely going to try to do, courtesy of the superego of society’s ‘should’ approach, is attempt to DO something. That very doing-of-something will likely help perpetuate the very ego structure, the self-image that is dying.

Guides, therapists, healers and shamans can be useful at this time. Priests and priestesses, monks and nuns who have the understanding may be able to hold space for the unraveling. Yet, if the counselor or therapist attempts to fix things, sugarcoat, or make you feel better, they probably don’t get it, and they certainly haven’t gone through the eye of the needle themselves. Remember that the best source to ‘hold’ you in this dark place is the very Self.

Erin Reese is an intuitive consultant, astrologer, author, and spiritual counselor. She works with her clients worldwide via Skype, phone and email.

Grin and Bear It

We never know when we’re going to have a spiritual epiphany. It can happen anytime, anywhere. Take last week, for instance. I got one of those Unmistakable Insights while held hostage for two hours in the dentist’s chair.

If that doesn’t make you already go “Ohhhhhh,” add that it was during a root canal.

Oh, that most fun of procedures. It was my first time. I was quaking with fear. Friends warned me. “You’re going to have your mouth torqued open for two hours straight,” they said. “Like a trapped snake.”

Another well-meaning friend advised me to wear an iPod during the procedure. The music would drown out the horrid drill driving down into my root like a jackhammer from hygiene hell. I thought that sounded like a great idea. Since my iPod is on the fritz, the dentist gave me a radio to listen to. I cranked up the rock and roll station, thinking that the Rolling Stones’ bump ‘n grind should do well to compete with the endodontist’s grinding down through my enamel into my pulpy nerve.

I was quaking in fear when the drill bit started to whirr and chip away. I couldn’t feel anything due to the four shots of novocaine. But it didn’t matter. I wanted to go unconscious. I turned up the music louder.

“YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR A POP,” shouted the surgeon, for he knew I was hard of hearing at that point. “THAT’S THE MOMENT WHEN THE DRILL GOES THROUGH YOUR CROWN.”

Good lord, I cringed. That sounds horrid! What the hell does he mean, a pop?! What if he hits my nerve directly, my raw pulpy nerve that is about to be plucked out for all eternity. It’s gonna be like that movie 127 Hours, when he cuts off his own arm and slices through the nerve. I am going to die.

Observing myself, I realized I was visibly shaking and my knees were practically knocking on the reclined chair. The twanging guitars and frenetic vocals on the radio headset were disorienting. I had absolutely no idea what was going on. As the next buzz and drone of the drill made contact with my sick tooth, I carefully reached up and yanked the earbuds out of my ears.

“Something wrong?” asked the dentist behind his mouth mask. He reminded me of some necessary-evil Doctor Death; I’d never before seen a dentist wearing all-black scrubs. I told myself it was because he was a karate black belt healer, not the grim reaper. Besides, I knew I was in the very best hands, being a reputed professor of dentistry at UCSF.

“No, it’s OK. I don’t need the headphones.” I had suddenly realized that it was a million times better to face one’s root canal directly. With the music spinning through my brain, I couldn’t make heads or tails of the procedure. I realized: I NEED TO BE CONSCIOUS in order to understand what is happening.

Without the music, I could hear the surgeon and his nurse communicating back and forth as they passed their tools, filling material and epoxy to each other. “B17,” the doctor would say, and she’d plop another drill bit on my chest for him to use next. “2BCF,” he’d say, and she’d prepare the next layer of sealant. I was sitting there in the middle of my very own Dental Bingo, and my mouth was the playing card. And I felt so much better.

“Very good,” I heard him say every now and again, when he’d bore deeper into my gums. I paid close attention when those pliers came out and he ripped up that root, albeit slowly and gently. Who’d have thought a nerve would be so damned big and mighty?

All the while, I paid attention, and stopped shivering in fear.

Not only was I being healed, the tooth fairies left an added bonus: The truth of AWARENESS. Awareness and attention reduce 99.9% of the agony. It is far better to be conscious, awake, undistracted when facing a painful procedure or even a terrifying life situation. We instantly become more peaceful when we are present to what is happening. Part of us calms down. We are witness, not victim, to the process. No matter how hellish the scenario, everything is instantly more bearable.

And besides, even with those headphones stuffed in your ears, you can still hear the damn drill.